One of the most difficult things to do in counseling therapy is to rebuild trust in a marriage after a marital affair. The affair can be physical, emotional, or even a social affair that had inappropriate boundaries, but how to get back the trust is often one of the first questions asked during affair reconciliation counseling. So here are 7 steps you will need to go through to rebuild the trust that was lost:

Step 1—STOP LYING

If you love the other person, admit it; if you’re not sure you want to remain in the marriage, say so; if the victimized spouse presents evidence of the affair, own up to it. You need to understand that the worst thing that could happen has already occurred … you slept with someone else. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your spouse in the eye and claiming to want the marriage to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends.

Step 2—STOP BEING DEFENSIVE AND STOP BLAMING

This is not the time to employ the old expression, “the best defense is a good offense.” This is the time to be contrite, remorseful, empathetic, compassionate, honest, and emotionally available. The best way to effectively deal with your spouse’s anger, and start the process of rebuilding trust, is to take complete and full ownership of your selfishness, immaturity, or basic destructive marital behavior.

Step 3—CUT ALL TIES WITH THE OTHER PARTY

It does not matter if you have known them since kindergarten. It is time to break those ties. Once you have allowed another individual to permeate or undermine your marital union, there is no place for this person in your life. You simply cannot expect your spouse to move past the affair as long as you continue communicating with, seeing, or having any type of relationship with this other person. It is in fact an insult to the intelligence of your current spouse for you to purport that you can maintain a professional, platonic, or otherwise innocent relationship with this destructive individual. This is the time to figure out which relationship is the most important to you: your marriage or the relationship with the other person.

Step 4—YOUR LIFE MUST BE AN OPEN, TRANSPARENT BOOK…TOTALLY

You no longer have the luxury of coming and going as you please. Once you have abused that privilege, it takes a while to get it back. Therefore, if you will be late coming home from work, or have had a change in plans, inform your spouse. Every time you leave home your spouse is now wondering if you are going where you say you are going. The best way to ease their insecurities is to check in throughout the day. Invite your spouse places you usually go alone like to the game, the gym or the mall. Let your spouse know that you have nothing to hide.

Step 5—ANSWER ALL THE QUESTIONS

Your spouse is going to want lots of details and ask questions you may not want to answer, but too bad. Your spouse is going to cross reference your prior stories and ask you to confirm if “this” or “that” was a lie. You simply need to fess up. The worse thing you can do is to conceal information because you don’t want to hurt your spouse. Remember, they have already been hurt beyond belief, so continuing to withhold additional information gives the appearance of an attempt to continue the deception. Although this may be one of the most difficult steps in the process, it is one of the most important.

Step 6—NO TIME LIMIT ON RECOVERY

You are the one who brought the outsider into the marriage, and therefore, are in no position to dictate when the victim spouse should be “over it”. The truth of the matter is, the victim spouse will never fully be “over it”, but may simply learn how to mentally move past the affair. For the next few years, (yes, I said “years”) the adulterous spouse needs to periodically wrap their arms around their mate, kiss them, and thank them for another chance.

Step 7—BEHAVE

Don’t put yourself in situations which will cause your victim spouse undue stress. Spending time with attractive, available singles, or forming relationships which could take focus away from your marriage or family commitments, is certainly not wise—in fact it is dumb. If you know you will be in contact with the opposite sex or the other person, let your spouse know up front and right away. During this time of broken trust, full disclosure is always the best route.

Final word of advice … healing from an affair is a “process.” It didn’t happen overnight, and it most certainly will not be healed overnight. It is a long, hard, difficult walk, but the end result can be a stronger marriage and deeper intimacy. You can do it, but it will take lots of work, lots of patience, and lots of prayer! May God bless and keep your relationship strong!