Happy Halloween everyone! In honor of the spookiest holiday of the year, I am offering to you my Top-5 Desert Island Horror movies. For those who may not get the expression, it works like this. If you were trapped on a desert island and could only bring five horror movies to watch, what would they be? This is, of course, assuming the desert island has a television, a DVD player and electricity which totally negates the concept of a desert island when you think about it but this is MY column and who are you to judge me?!

Sorry about that. Let’s move on.

Anyway, here, in no particular order, are my Top-5 Desert Island Horror movies. They aren’t necessarily the best, just the ones I find most entertaining. A quick note: all these films contain a great deal of sex and/or violence. They are strongly encouraged for mature audiences.

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare

When I was four, my aunt decided it would be a good idea to take me to see A Nightmare on Elm Street. It wasn’t a good idea and the movie messed me up for a good portion of my childhood. Years later, I went back and watched it again along with all of the sequels. While the original was still pretty powerful, it was by this point very dated. The sequels were all crap. Until the final film in the series, New Nightmare, in which the original’s creator, Wes Craven, returned to conclude the franchise he began ten years earlier.

In the film, members of the original Nightmare cast (Heather Langenkamp, John Saxon and Robert Englund, all playing themselves) reunite with Wes Craven (also playing himself) to make another movie. It’s not long before they all begin dealing with strange occurrences and nightmares featuring Freddy Krueger. Langenkamp soon realizes that Freddy is trying to break out of the films into the real world and she is the only thing standing in his way. What follows is a study in paranoia and the power of stories. For the first time since the original, Freddy is actually scary. Plus, the idea of Craven and Englund being haunted by their own creation adds a “Frankenstein’s monster” theme to the proceedings.

Best scene: Langenkamp and Saxon are having a discussion outside of her home. Suddenly he is no longer John Saxon, but Donald Thompson, the character he played in the original. Heather looks down and sees that she is now wearing her costume from the original movie and her house has changed into the classic house from the film series. The shift is so subtle that the viewer doesn’t catch on until Langenkamp does, which helps to draw you in to the discomforting surrealness of the story. Runnerup: In the end credits, Freddy Krueger is billed as playing himself.

Return of the Living Dead

This is not a sequel to George A. Romero’s classic zombie trilogy. Instead, this film explains that the events in Night of the Living Dead actually happened and were turned into a movie. Soon, a small town is being overrun by zombies, hungry for brains. While still relatively slow, these zombies are smart and regularly set traps for the confused heroes.

The action cuts back and forth between the medical supply workers who accidently caused the outbreak (Thom Matthews, Clu Gallagher and James Karen) and a group of teens (the most notable played by “Scream Queen” Linnea Quigley who spends most of her time in the movie naked for no apparent reason) hanging out in a nearby cemetery when the dead begin to rise. Soon, the police get involved and martial law is established to try and contain the zombies. When that doesn’t work, well I won’t spoil it for you.

What makes the movie so entertaining is the jarring shifts between humor and horror. Some scenes jerk back and forth so quickly, you don’t know whether to laugh or cringe.

Best scene: Gallagher, Matthews and Karen are trying to find a way to kill a zombie they have captured. Having seen Night of the Living Dead, they try destroying the zombie’s head. When that doesn’t work, Matthew’s asks, “You mean the movie lied? Why would it do that?” Runnerup: Any scene with Quigley.

Cube

Six strangers wake up in a white room. They don’t know where they are or how they got there. On each of the four walls is a hatch. Through the hatches are identical white rooms, also with hatches on each wall. With no food or water, the strangers soon realize they need to find an exit before they starve to death. Unfortunately, some of the rooms are rigged with deadly traps and the already mounting tension between the group members climbs as suspicion and paranoia begin to take over.

If you like films that explain everything and tie up every plot point, Cube isn’t for you. It’s never revealed what exactly the Cube is, why the characters are in it or who, if anyone, is behind it. Several theories are thrown around by the characters but most are dismissed immediately. The important thing isn’t how they wound up in this situation. It’s getting out of it that matters.

Best scene: To tell you would give away an important plot point. Runner-up: Ditto.

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives

Few horror franchises are as revered and reviled as the Friday the 13th series. The movies are called crass, brutal and devoid of anything of value whatsoever. However, it is the longest running horror-franchise with 12 movies, a television series, several tie-in novels and even a video game. So of all the chapters in the series, why did I choose the sixth one? Because it’s the most fun.

First of all, Alice Cooper did the soundtrack. That alone earns it a spot on the list. Secondly, this is the first (and only) entry in the series to actually have kids at the summer camp. When they are menaced by Jason, it adds a tension not seen before or since in the series. Most importantly though, by this point Jason had been around for three movies (his mother was the killer in part one and there was a copycat killer in part five). The idea of a lumbering brute in a hockey mask silently and methodically butchering teenagers just wasn’t scary anymore. The cast and crew knew this which is why this movie has its tongue planted firmly in its cheek. There is always a wink or nod to the audience or a small visual gag to remind you that you shouldn’t think about what you’re seeing. Just sit back and enjoy the mayhem. As one character in the film puts it, “Some folks have got a strange idea of entertainment.”

Best scene: The final battle between Jason and the hero from the previous two films, Tommy Jarvis. Runner-up: One child to another while hiding from Jason: “So, what DID you want to be when you grew up?”

The Evil Dead Trilogy

Okay, I’m cheating a bit here, but my column my rules. Bruce Campbell stars as Ash, a lowly SMart employee who battles dark forces with a shot gun, a chain saw, and a smart mouth. Sam Raimi’s horror opus begins small with a night of survival in an isolated cabin in the woods, but ends big with an epic struggle in medieval times for the fate of all mankind. If you haven’t seen these movies, do so. There’s really nothing more I can say beyond that.

Best scene: “Good, bad, I’m the guy with the gun.” Runner up: “Groovy.”

So those are my favorites. What are yours? Let me know at nick.spinelli@us.army.mil.